“Manners are love in a cool climate.”
With the Lions Gate opening and many other outside phenomenon hitting me like bricks this week, I found myself melting into my car seat this afternoon and asking myself “what is going on?” Why was I beginning to feel like every little thing going unplanned was like the universe was ending? Obviously it was not, so what was it inside of me that had me feeling like a hot mess?
After surrendering to my needs and totally changing my plans for the afternoon, I sat in my car at the marina ugly crying without even knowing why. I just knew it needed to come out! I allowed for some space in my head by listening to a short guided meditation on the Headspace app and it all become so clear to me.
Lately, I’ve been doing my best to lead my students and my Salud lifers by listening to their needs and offering them structure and advice in the most caring and gentle way possible. I have taken the lead of guiding them through a path once unknown to me which I understand is easier with someone holding your hand along the way. I feel incredibly charged with love and compassion for these people and am so happy to be able to simply support them when they need a shoulder to lean on.
So why was I having an existential breakdown in my car earlier? I realized as I sat in silence that I’ve been offering to others what I always needed and wanted for myself to grow. There’s so many things I feel I could do in my life, but am slowly realizing I am going to need help! Growing up, I was encouraged to fend for myself. While sitting in meditation, a memory from my childhood played in front of me like a movie. I remember many times when I would be feeling distraught and needed my mother to comfort me. She would work late into the night toward her degree when I was little and often needed naps to just keep going.
These times when I needed love, someone to hug me and tell me “it’ll all be ok”, I recall my father stepping in front of the door and saying “she needs rest, why don’t you leave her alone.” Instead of offering the affection and attention I needed and offering that rock for me to lean on so I could regroup and get back at it again, he would shoo me away to go figure it out myself or distract myself with tv or games. All the while, I stayed in a constant state of distress and learned to only rely on myself to figure things out when I was feeling shitty. Hence, my tendency to over think every problem in my life and my habit of closing myself off to the world when I’m feeling my worst.
Today however, I realized that’s not what my inner self wants or needs. It’s that girl who just wants someone to pat my head, rub my back and say “everything’s fine”. I have not learned how to trust others to be there for me because I’ve been conditioned to feel like a burden any time I need a hand. I’ve been doing my best lately to “be strong” and “be brave” and to “just get through it” but understanding that its also just as natural and necessary for me to “be vulnerable” and ask for those I trust to simply be there for me. I will get through this, it would just be nice to have someone holding my hand along the way. 🤗